Do it.

You guys.

Something I just read got to me today for some reason, and I have to tell you about it too.

I'm reading Emily P. Freeman's book, A Million Little Ways.  Today, I read this part about a band that was asked about the secret to their success, and the secret was that they "keep chasing their craziest ideas."

For the past few years, I've had these crazy ideas that my body, my soul, my everything has me scared and paralyzed and has been telling me I can't, but for some reason, tonight, after reading these words, tonight... My body, my soul, my everything is screaming, "Why the hell not?!"

It is time, crazy idea.  It is time.

It is time for me, and it is time for you... maybe.  Maybe you've got a lot of fear to deal with yet, but dealing with the fear is a step in the direction of your crazy dreams.

Get out of your own way.  Look your fear in the face, say, "I'm afraid of failing, falling, making a fool of myself, not finishing again, being laughed at, winding up broke, friendless, hopeless, helpless, alone...but I'm doing this crazy shit anyway."

Because, seriously, this is what I'm saying tonight to my fear.  "Hey fear, I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of making an ass of myself.  I'm afraid of shaming my family, being laughed at, not finishing again, being told I'm not good enough... but I'm doing this crazy shit anyway.  Because, guess what.  I've failed.  I've made an ass of myself.  I've shamed my family.  I've been laughed at.  I've not finished a million things.  I've been told I'm not good enough... And I survived... but I quit.  I've never not quit.  So here's the deal, fear, I see you.  I feel you.  But you no longer own me.  You no longer get to control me.  I see how you think you're trying to protect me, but I get the final say here, and I say the crazy dream lives."

So, my crazy dream and I are sitting down together tonight and figuring out what it's going to take to become a reality, because every person I've seen have their crazy ideas become reality have done the same thing... they take a bunch of small steps towards that dream until they are holding it in their hands, thanking God for making it happen.

Goals Shmoals

So, last year around this time, I read a blog post from someone saying something like, "Set goals!  Reach them!  Succeed!"

Okay, maybe it was something infinitely more helpful than that, but regardless, I went through the process.  I set some SMART goals for the year.  I went through the following 7 categories (I think it's the Wheel of Life from Zig Ziglar or something like that).

Romantic Goals
Career Goals
Relationship Goals
Recreation/Play Goals
Health Goals
Home Goals
Financial Goals
Personal Growth Goals

The article I read said to pick 3 areas of the Wheel that I am unsatisfied with and set 3 goals for the year.

Well, of course, I set 3 goals for each category because every area of life can always be improved!  And looking back, I can't decide whether it was a good idea because at least I achieved some of them from most categories, or if it was a not-so-good thing because, like the rest of my life, my thoughts, goals, intentions are so wide-spread that I cannot truly focus on any of them, and cannot, therefore succeed...

Which brings me to the thought of success.  What did I really expect when I was setting these goals?  Did I really expect myself to write a brilliant blog each week, a funny but thoughtful tweet a day, stay within a modest budget, intentionally spend quality time with my kids, exercise 5 days a week, go on 50+ hikes, go on a monthly date, finish writing and get my first book, make enough money to pay for Christmas, a basement remodel, a bathroom remodel, two bedroom remodels, and season passes for skiing for a family of 5?  I have never in my life stuck to a schedule of any kind, what made me think I would now?

Here's what's different about last year, though.  The rest of my life, I would've looked at this list of goals and saw how many of them I didn't accomplish perfectly.  I would've been disappointed, angry with myself, defeated. I would've sworn off of goal-setting, reflecting, etc. until I read another book that told me how great of an idea it is to set goals...

But this is the way I am able to look at these goals now:  I made progress in the past year.  It took me 12 years, but I beat Lyme Disease.  I didn't go on 50 hikes, but I went on some, and I went on those hikes with my children while doing my very best to enjoy my kids and the outdoors and beautiful scenery.  (Yes, they whined and were annoying, but we went.  We made progress towards being a family who enjoys nature.)  I didn't write 52 blogs, but I wrote 23.  I wrote.  No, I didn't finish my book, but I made progress.  I didn't read 24 books, but I read 14.  I am 14 books smarter than I was last year.

And I am nicer to myself now than I was at this time last year.

I didn't perfectly accomplish each of my 21 goals from last year, but I made real, significant progress on 19 of 21 of them.

And I beat Lyme.  I am nice to myself.  I stayed within our budget.  I created opportunities for income.

My husband has taken to telling our kids, "Progress is better than perfection" when they are learning something new.  It annoys me, but it's true.  It annoys me when I try to tell myself that, but because I'm being nicer to myself now, I have to let myself annoy myself, right?

So, go forth, my friends.  Set your goals.  Work towards your dreams.  Steps in the right direction towards your dreams are exactly that:  Steps in the right direction towards your dreams.  These steps are so much better than standing still, my friends.  Progress is better than perfection.  Some of them will work out.  Some of you will work out.

Regardless, if we don't know where we are going, how in the world will we get there?

xoxo 

Best Books of 2016 According to Me, Based on the Ones I Actually Finished...

In reality, this is just the list of books I read last year.  I picked up/tried to read at least 3 times what is on this list, but if I don't want to devour the book in the first 10 pages, I give it back to the library, don't buy it, put it down...  My time is too precious to stick it out... unless... I hear several times from others that it is a worthwhile read once I get through the first 50 pages.  In that case, I will skip the first 50 pages and go back to read them once I'm into it.

Anyway, we'll start with what I read in the fiction realm:

Sarah Dessen.  I read only quick-reads by Sarah Dessen this year.  When I needed an escape-read that was quick and fun,  I read What Happened to Goodbye?, Along for the Ride, and Lock and Key. I like Sarah Dessen for feel-good reads.  They're cute.  They're fun.  They do the trick.  I will read more of her books for fun feel-good reads in the future.

We all know I'm more of a non-fiction girl, so here's the real list:

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl-- This was probably my least-favorite read of the year, though it was still an incredibly fascinating and wonderful book.  I honestly don't read a full book unless I fall in love.  For reals.  This one was just a challenging (in various ways) read.  Viktor Frankl is an amazing human being.  I still can't get over how much he endured.  For the 1% of you who have never heard of this book, it is the story of a Jewish psychologist who survived Auschwitz and other concentration camps in Nazi Germany during WWII.  My take away: We are capable of so much more than we believe possible.  We can endure more than we think we can, and having a creative, unique purpose in life is essential to happiness, persistence, and survival.

Everything You Ever Wanted by Jillian Lauren-- I don't remember whether it was my Aunt Kimmy  or Aunt Phyllis who always said, "There are a whole lotta ways to live a life."  And this is kind of what this book was for me.  Jillian Lauren's life is fascinating, different, unique... Her life is so opposite of mine, yet exactly the same.  Basically, she had dreams.  They came true, and they are more beautiful, difficult, challenging, and painful than she ever imagined.  I LOVE the way she tells her story, and I love the patience she learns to have with herself.

No More Dragons  by Jim Burgen-- This was written by my pastor.  He's great.  He's got his issues.  (Don't we all?)  But he is funny, on-point, and addresses the real stuff head-on.  I love the way that he tells is story authentically including his exploration of drugs, his family's struggle with bi-polar depression, and bad religion.

Quitter by Jon Acuff-- I wish I remembered more about this book, but I got it from the library, and now I don't remember much about it except that I liked it, and it was helpful.  (How's that for a book review?)

Peanut Butter and Naan by Jennifer Hillman-Magnuson-- I LOVED this book.  It was funny and interesting, and it took me on a journey to India that I most likely won't take in person.  Again, "There are a whole lotta ways to live a life," and this reminded me that we don't have to live in a safe little community with our 3 kids in Colorado to have a good life.  We could go live anywhere, and our kids would adjust... and so would we.

7 by Jen Hatmaker-- This is definitely a Rethink-the-way-you-do-life-book.  JHat and her husband eat just 7 foods for one month, wear just 7 articles of clothing the next... They remove 7 areas of excess from their lives in an experiment and learn important things.  My takeaway: We have too much crap.  We can live more beautifully and simply if we are intentional.

Ketchup is a Vegetable (and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves)by Robin O'Bryant-- This one is super funny and so true to my life.  This book came in the mail for me randomly from a favorite cousin-in-law, and I just adore her for introducing me to Robin O'Bryant.  If you're a mom, read this one!

Rising Strong by Brene Brown-- Brene Brown is the bomb diggity.  Everyone needs to read Daring Greatly and Rising Strong.  This woman knows her stuff, plus she's funny and a great storyteller.  My favorite takeaway is using the phrase, "The story I'm making up in my head is____" when in an argument or emotionally-charged situation can completely diffuse the situation and create proper communication.

Start by Jon Acuff-- This is my favorite Jon Acuff book.  I read this in the very first part of 2015, and it started my year off with a lesson in overcoming fear.  I didn't realize how much fear I had in my life, but this book helped me realize how to overcome it.  I am the if-I-can't-do-it-perfectly-the-first-time-I-won't-even-try type of person, and this book gave me a nudge towards becoming a I'll-screw-it-up-but-I'm-going-to-try-anyway person.  This is a great book for creatives, and those who are "stuck."

For the Love by Jen Hatmaker-- This is my favorite book of the year.  I'll just quote myself since I got to write a review that went into the first few pages of her book... squeee!!!
"Read this book, but not in public... unless you are okay with being the only one laughing out loud in a silent room or ugly crying at chapter 11 while other people pretend not to stare.  If you are okay with those things, then you should totally read this book in public.  Otherwise, I recommend good coffee, comfy jammies, and a locked door."

Scary Close by Donald Miller-- This is my other favorite book of the year.  Donald Miller has graciously invited us to come along on his spiritual journey for the last 15 years or so.  I have read all of the books he invited me into, and it has been such a fun ride.  I feel like this was an arrival of sorts for Don.  He grew up.  He got married.  He realized so many things about himself.  He helped me figure out why things are so hard and amazing at the same time.  He made me more brave.  He helped me be a better storyteller.  He's my favorite.  And this might be my favorite of my favorites of his.

And there you have it.   Those are the books I read in 2015.  I'll give you a rundown of what I think I'll be reading in 2016 soon!

xoxo

For the Love of Endings

For those of you just joining my Jen  For the Love Adventure,  today starts the weekend where I go to stay in a house with online only friends that I’ve never met in real life and go to Jen Hatmaker’s house to say Godknowswhat and embarrass myself. 

I am ending this For the Love Adventure in much the same way I began it—like Jesse Spano screaming, “I’m so excited!  I’m so excited!  I’m so scared!” 

When I first got on the FTL Launch Team Facebook page, I was totally overwhelmed and intimidated.  Do these girls know each other?  How did these girls already read this entire book?  Why is something #onthebeam or #offthebeam?  Maybe I shouldn’t have applied to be on this launch team!  I don’t get this!!!

Then someone shared a struggle.  A real struggle.  And the group responded with grace and kindness and prayer and me toos.  And someone told a joke.  The group responded with laughter and grace and kindness and prayer and me toos.  And we went on and on and on like that, laughing together, crying together, praying together, me-too-ing together, and in the midst of our crazy worlds, where we first shared only the love of the words in Jen’s books, we were suddenly sharing our lives.  And I thought, THIS.  I get THIS. 

And here I am now at Austin’s airport standing in front of Austin Java (which incidentally doesn’t sell coffee at this time of day?  #dontmakemegoallLoreleionyou) listening to a random guy play softly on his guitar and waiting excitedly to meet up with a new FTL friend whose flight arrives in a couple of hours.  We will then ride with other sort-of strangers to stay in a house with more sort-of strangers.  This is ALL still the excited part.  I can’t wait to make all of these new friends and hang out with all of these cool people who are full of grace and kindness and laughter. 

And here I am again, scared.  What if they don’t think I’m funny?  What if I look fat?  What if I swear too much and they go all mean Christian on me?  What if I cry and they give me judgmental advice?  What if when I get to talk to Jen I go fangirl or read-my-book girl or worse yet, am forgettable? 

But what I’m even more scared of is… what is going to happen to my 500 new best friends?  Will Stacey beat Lyme?  And when she does, will I know and get to celebrate with her?   Who will Erin Leigh Cox dubsmash for now?  What will happen to Andrea Trexler Conway now that she lives in New York?  Will Pamela Anne still sell me beautiful cuffs?  How will I know when Terri Gorton Fullerton is in Colorado and we could visit?  How is sweet Embo? Just how many copies of FTL has Danielle Brower signed now?  And who on earth will share their online dating tragedies with me now?!

For the Love built a community.  It gave us a reason to connect and laugh and breathe and say me too.  

I’m glad I’ve been a little part of it.  Now let’s party!  #Budaorbust 

TBT The Loss of Popsicles (Original 9/20/10)

There’s an unmistakable wind in the air tonight

Warm and full, but…

just cool enough to say,

“Summertime is ending.”

The wind speaks, and I object,
 “But I didn’t ride bikes or eat enough ice cream!”
“We barely even got to go… camping.”

But the wind calls to Autumn, leaving me behind
Like a little boy’s shoes
Sitting on the front steps of a summer cottage
 Waiting unwaveringly for summer’s return
Collecting the leaves and snow and sun
The shoes and summer seemingly forgotten
Because the boy’s father was quick to state, “Summer’s over.  Get in the car.”
So the boy got in the car,
His bare feet a silent protest
Streaked with dirt, propped up and peaking out the back window,
 searching for one last caress of the lake’s warm summer wind
Skinned knees pressed against his hopeless chocolate-covered face
While his shoes sat silently
Strings swaying, sorrowfully singing
Lamenting the loss
of popsicles.

For the Love of Significance

Today is the Launch Day for Jen Hatmaker's book, For the Love.

And as part of the Launch Team, I have been asked to blog about this book/experience today.  Like August 18th, 2015.  It is 10pm Mountain Time, which means I missed the deadline on the East Coast, but whatever.  It's the day before school starts.  This is the best I can do.  And as Jen says:

I have had 5 months to figure out how to say what this book and experience has meant to me, and tonight, I still can't wrap the words around the awesome things that God has done through Jen's words.  5 months ago I was groggy and bloated and recovering from an appendectomy.  I was in a non-writing stage, wondering if anyone was ever going to read my blog and wondering if anything I ever wrote mattered to anyone.  Wondering if it ever would.

Yesterday I got an email from Jen. This is a best-selling author.  Her face is plastered all over stuff.  She's on TV.  She's queen of the hashtag.  She's legitimately famous.

And she sends out an email to her "Email Friends" the day before her new book launch day saying, "My biggest fear is that whatever I said or wrote won't matter.  I think about it all the time."

And I thought, you too?  Even you?  Successful writer? Even you who wrote these words that inspired me?

Well, good, Jen, you're human.  You struggle.  You struggle openly and beautifully.  And after writing the words that made me laugh and cry and grow in grace, I can reassure you that you matter.  What you do matters.  What you write matters.  How you mother and lead and grow and serve and struggle matters.

And you too, readers.  You matter.  What you do matters.  You are the only you there will ever be, and what you read and write and say and teach matters.  How you mother and serve matters.  You cleaning the toilets matters.  You wiping bottoms matters.  You apologizing after you scream your head off at your children matters.  You making 25 PB&Js matters.  You getting clothes and backpacks and lunches and notebooks and crayons and folders with or without prongs matters.  It seems fruitless and futile, but it matters.

And the honesty of it all matters most because

And maybe that's all I need to tell you about this book.  It is honesty and hilarity and truth and grace.  It brought together a group of 500 people who now consider themselves friends.  The Launch Team is a community of people sharing prayer and laughter and grace.  It is a place where I matter.  My voice, my thoughts, my needs, my prayers matter.  And when you read For the Love, I hope it reminds you that you matter.  I hope it reminds you that you, truth, and grace matter. 

On Being an Actual Human...

Prior to motherhood, I belonged to a group of really cool women who accepted me as is.  Human. Quirky.  Hot-tempered.  Sleepy.  Messy.  Flakey. But also interesting.  Smart.  Funny. Trust-worthy. Sensitive. Kind.

And because I belonged in this group.  Because they said, "you're messed up and we love you anyway," I realized, I'm okay as I am.  I like who I am.  I don't have to try to be perfect.  And I accepted being human in all of it's glorious messiness.

When I gave birth to my first tiny human, it was as though I gave up my ability to be an actual human. Ironic.

When motherhood happened, I sacrificed things that made me feel human to give life and safety and food to this most precious tiny human.  I gave up sleep.  I gave up showering daily.  I gave up my job.  My hobbies.  My relationships.  My right to pee and bathe alone. My right to do anything uninterrupted.  My right to eat things without sharing.  My right to leave the house without 3 bags full of necessities.  My right to time alone.  My right to quiet.  My right to pursue my dreams...

Some of these things the tiny human demanded I give up.  Some I chose to give up because they didn't make sense to financially continue.  Others just gently, quietly faded out of my life without fanfare.  On some level I expected this sacrifice.

What I didn't expect was that as that the tiny humans grew, they would see me as inhuman.  They would see me as the fixer of things, the supergluer, the magic band-aid giver, one who knows all of the answers, one who can draw the things, make the things, invent the games, clean the things... one who can magically provide food and drink at any time in any place from nothing...

Their expectations of my knowledge, will-power, and abilities are so astronomical that they do not believe me when I tell them that I cannot do something.  They do not believe me when I don't have food or they are hungry and we need to go to the grocery store before I can give them food.  They are completely unreasonable.  Strangely enough, I didn't fully expect my  children to be unreasonable.  I didn't expect to have to teach them everything.  Every. Single. Thing.  Like that Mommy is a human.  And she makes mistakes.

Thing is, I expect my children to be inhuman too.  I expect them to never have bad days.  I get frustrated when it takes them forever to learn something and change their behavior.  I expect them to behave appropriately at all times...  And this is a me problem, not a them problem.  The expectations, that is.

And the glorious thing is that we get ample opportunities to show each other just how human we are.  Every day, I screw something up.  And every day they do too.

And I suppose it would be best if I followed the advice of the Bible that says, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Because when I show them my weakness of being human, they can offer me grace.  And I get to practice receiving grace... Grace that says, "I love you even though you yelled at us."  And if they don't give grace, I get to practice giving grace... grace that says, "I love you even though you won't forgive me right now." 

The only way to accept being an actual human is grace.  And grace is just realizing that we are all a bunch of messed up kids who screwed something up and need their dad to come make it right.