Tales from I-70. Peeing in the Woods.

Photo by Ignat Kushanrev on Unsplash

Sit back and relax, friends, and allow me to regale you with a tale you are glad did not happen to you.

Yesterday morning, I woke early, as usual, to make the coffee, pack the lunches, and do the things. I planned on skiing, so I was able to forgo a shower and style my hair like Willie Nelson (2 braids and a headband-- It is functional on a CO Mountain. Stop judging me.) Because of said hairstyle, I had enough time to have a second cup of coffee. This was the day’s first mistake.

You see, there is but one road to most of the Colorado ski resorts, I70. If you’ve been watching the news, you know that the mountains are getting pounded with snow (YAY freshies for skiing) and there have been several avalanches crossing this beloved stretch of highway in the last week or so.

My friends and I figured that the worst had come and gone with I70 seeing 3 avalanches over the weekend, and Tuesday would be a great day for some sunshine and serious pow.  Well, dear ones, we made it up to Georgetown before we were at a dead stop.

There were signs telling us that Avalanche mitigation was causing 20-30 minute delays… Friends, if you know I70, you know this is pretty normal… not necessarily on a Tuesday, but… whatevs. If you like to ski, you deal with traffic. Anywho, there we were, three friends chatting away with kidneys functioning properly, filtering all of the morning beverages through the system and into the bladder…. Every second that ticked by was another drop dripping into my bladder… drip, drip, drip...

I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation I was having with my friend. I couldn’t finish my sentences. I couldn’t think about anything except how badly I had to pee. Friends, I have had 3 children come out of my lady parts, and I have Kegeled… but I was gonna burst, and I am no stranger to doing a squat pee in the woods.

We were at a dead stop, friends. Cars for miles and miles and miles. And you know darn well that they had nothing better to do than to watch for anything exciting happening. Well, by golly, I guess my need to pee outweighed my pride, because those trees looked soooo inviting. The more my friend talked, the more the trees beckoned… “Come here, child, let us semi-cover you while you relieve your aching bladder and everyone watches because we just can’t cover you that well.”

Knowing we had barely moved in over an hour, and we would barely move in who knows how long, I did it. I held my head high and I ran into the 2-foot deep snow in my boots and ski pants. I went as far back into the woods as I could hold it, pulled down my layers and felt sweet, sweet relief. I, of course, aimed my chubby white heiney away from the road so all that anyone could see would be a lady squatting in the woods, but as I squatted for an epic “A League of Their Own” length of time, I noticed a white truck that wasn’t creeping forward with the other cars. In the front seat of that white truck, I saw a phone pointed in my direction. And it stayed fixed on me as I helplessly continued to let the urine flow.

“Oh my God,” I thought, “there is a video of me peeing on the internet right now. I am going to be a viral pee-er. I hate cell phones.”

And I continued to pee and pee and pee and pee in the woods. On the side of the highway. “Aren’t you done yet?” I asked my lady parts, “Can we finish up here? We have an audience!” But my lady parts just continued with the business of urine removal for what seemed like a hundred years until I could confidently cover my oversized keister once again, and I scampered back to the car where my friends were waiting.

But… that wasn’t the most embarrassing part. The most embarrassing part was the fact that the white truck from Kentucky kept inching next to us then behind us then next to us then behind us for a very long time to come… but at least I could breathe while I hyperventilated from embarrassment.

So, dear hearts, if you happen to see a lady peeing on the interwebs, don’t laugh too hard at her. She was desperate. And friends? Within 5 minutes of my pee-tastic adventure through the woods, we must’ve seen 10 guys hop out of their cars to pee. (They didn’t re-open the road until 5pm, and this was at 10am, so those woods saw some peeing.) No brave ladies like me, and I am sure no one recorded those men peeing in the woods. Which is just totally sexist, by the way, Mr. Guy in the White Truck from Kentucky.

Because, Mr. Guy in the White Truck from Kentucky, my Grandma always told me a girl could do anything a boy could do… including peeing in the woods.  And she was right.