Video Evidence

Last week I gave a talk called "Measuring Stick" at a MOPs group.  It was all about how we measure ourselves against an invisible measuring stick of unattainable expectations and we measure ourselves to what other people's lives appear to be.

And I had given this particular talk a few times, so I video-taped it.  I wanted to get a couple of clips of me saying something and people laughing so I could put it on my website and become a YouTube sensation so people would buy my eventual book and ask me to come speak to their group and pay me money so I can stop clipping coupons and wearing ugly old clothes that don't fit right.

Then I watched the video tape.

It. was. not. good.  It was not good at all.

I watched it amazed at my exploding amounts of fake energy attempting to cover up the fact that I was exhausted because I didn't go to bed until 2am and woke up at 5 so I could try to perfect the talk, get it right and say the right thing so I didn't look like an idiot in front of all of these women who might really benefit from it if I say it the right way.

I watched the video shocked at how incredibly fat I have gotten. (The camera really does add 15 pounds.)

I watched the video mortified at how many times I clap my hands, jump up and down, and generally go overboard with my facial expressions.

And I thought, "This is how I really look and sound?  I thought I was a good speaker.  I am not.  I am not good at this at all.  This is embarrassing.  Why on earth would I try to do this to these poor people sitting there listening to me?"

The fact that I was listening to myself speak about loving ourselves and loving God and allowing God to define us instead of the size of our jeans, putting down the invisible measuring stick that we pretend will make us good enough if we reach the top...  while I was judging myself, measuring myself, allowing my inability to speak well define my worth as a human being is, of course, beautifully and painfully ironic.

But this is the way this messy life works, right?  This is the way pain points me to God, and He says, "See this?  This is where you hurt.  This is where you struggle.  Lean into Me, and I'll heal you.  It will take a while.  It might take the rest of your time on earth, but you will get better. It's okay to go ahead and move towards getting better."

This measuring myself against my own expectations is one of my struggles and even while teaching how to overcome it, I am overcome by it.  And I must try to overcome it again.  And again.  And again.

Maybe I should listen to WHAT God was telling me to say in my talk instead of judging my talk. Maybe I should trust that God will put words to what He wants me to say like I ask Him to do before I speak.

Maybe I should stop shoulding and start doing.

Okay, here goes.

My weight does not define me.
Criticism-- my own, from others, or the made up kind that people aren't actually saying or thinking-- does not define me.
The annoying things I do when I'm nervous and over-tired do not define me.
The response my talk gets does not define me.

My God defines me, and He says that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139) in His image (Gen 127)."  He says that I'm worth dying for.

And if I believe that He is really who He says He is, then as difficult as it is sometimes, I have to believe that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.  And I have to believe that I'm worth the most perfect, amazing, flawless human to ever walk the earth getting beaten, tortured, ridiculed, and murdered so that all of my failure, fat, screwed-up messiness is forgiven.

It's really hard to believe that I'm worth that.

But He says so.  So I guess I am.