Adventures Then and Now

The sun is shining. The sky is blue. The leaves are red and gold. I pour coffee from my thermos and the steam billows above it, and I am back on the road in 2003 in the November I left safety and found a sense of belonging on the road, camping with Ralph, my purple Ford Ranger, Frederick, my teddy bear, and my "Papa's girl" engraved Buck Knife.

I long for the simplicity of that month of my life, when the $1000 I had saved up got me through 8 states, 11 National Parks, 3 car repairs, a love story, and countless adventures.  Rereading that sentence, I think, man, that sounds so big, so brave, so adventurous, so impossible to my life now...not to mention $1000 barely feeds them all. But the reality of it is all I did that month was figure out where I wanted to go, how much I had, and I went.

Now, life is complicated. Going to Target is like going to the moon.
"Shoes. Get your shoes. Potty. Go Potty. Please. Just. Go. Potty. Seriously. Where ARE your shoes?!"
"I can't tie my shoes!"
"You learned how to tie your shoes 3 years ago. How have you forgotten this?"
"It's impossible!  I'm never going to learn it!"
"It's not impossible. You've already learned it once..."

I mean, you get it.  Leaving the house with 3 children is a Herculean effort.
I long for the days when I thought about where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and I just went. I did. I was.

Now I stay. I don't. I am not.

Don't get me wrong, friends, I try.  I mean, I know you see pictures of my efforts on Facebook.  The efforts that make it look like I'm doing it.  They make me look like I'm living the way God intended me to... Adventurously. Bravely. With belonging, acceptance, and love.

But the reality is that most of these adventures with kids are really just me dragging my whining, complaining children through the woods after I pointed my finger in their chest and growled through gritted teeth, "We are going hiking. I don't care if it is your favorite thing to do or not. We are going because it is MY favorite thing to do. I spent 4 hours baking and decorating a Pikachu cake for your birthday last week. I don't like cake, and I don't like Pokemon. But I love you, so I did it without saying anything bad about the whole process even when I dropped the cake on the floor and had to do it all over again, so YOU WILL HIKE. You will not complain. And you will do it because you love me."

I bully my children occasionally.  It is a method that got passed off as good parenting when I was a kid.  I resort back to it when I don't know what else to do. I get it. Clearly enjoying my time out in nature with the kids and staying patient with them while we hike and they whine and whatever is clearly the better parenting move because eventually my love of hiking and the outdoors will eventually wear off on them, and yadayadayada. But let's be real. These little jerks are robbing me of something I love and turning it into something I hate, and that pisses me off.  It does. I'm allowed to be pissed about this.  I've given them everything. My body, my time, my career, my food... the least they can do is to shut up while we are hiking. So...

We stay home because of snacks. And timing. And extra pants and wipes and whatever equipment is necessary. And because I know that bullying them into things is no way to parent, and especially no way to help them learn to love hiking, adventuring, and the outdoors.

Back then, I packed up what I needed for a month in the cab of my pickup.  Groceries (beans, rice, salsa, tortillas), a week's worth of clothes, camping gear, and the aforementioned bear and Buck Knife.  And now I take that much to the pool.

What happened?  I mean, I totally blame the kids, but that seems unfair.  I did want them after all.  I mean they're 3 of the best things that ever happened to me, but...I miss how easy it was to be brave. I miss how easy it was to live out my dreams when I didn't have to worry about anyone else's bowel movements, food allergies, aversions, needs, or constant demands.

Being brave was easy. It was just figure out where I wanted to go, figure out what I have, and go.

Wait. Isn't it still that? It's just that it's about where WE want to go, what WE have, and then WE go.

It's the WE that makes it complicated, but it's also the WE that makes it great. If I had stayed in that life, that adventurous, beautiful life alone, I may have had more cool accomplishments.  I would've reached the summit of more literal mountains. I would've seen more states. I would've played more. But all of those baby pictures are worth something too. All of the teaching how to walk and run and climb and ride and tie... All of the reading and snuggling and building and encouraging... Those are beautiful adventures too.

I am still an adventurer. I am still brave. I belong and provide belonging. I accept and am accepted. I love and am loved. Raising a family is a great adventure too. Even if we stay.

Especially when we stay.

Because being brave and being adventurous is mostly about showing up, saying, "Here I am" and "Here we are" and then doing the next thing.

How I Created My Personal Growth Curriculum for 2016

Hey Friends--

Recently I posted the list of books that I actually read in 2015, and I told you that I'd let you know what I'd be reading in 2016.  Well, here it is.  I keep a list in the back of my planner so that when anyone tells me about a good book, I add it to the books I think I might like and are therefore worth at least reading the first 10 pages.

The first 10 pages (really the first 2) are key to me.  If I'm not into it by then, I'm out.  Dude.  I've got 3 kids and 3 jobs.  I did my required reading in high school and college (okay, so I read parts of them and BS'd my way through most of it) so I'm over the whole reading it the whole way through even if it's not for me business.

Here's the thing, I won't get to all of these.  I'll pick up some of them, and they won't reach me in the first 10 pages, so I'll put them down.

I'll read books that aren't yet on this list.

But I put this list here in case you want to join me and talk books with me sometime.

1.  The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
2.  A Million Little Ways
3.  Interrupted
4. Out of Sorts
5.  Something by Jennie Allen
6.  Wired to Create
7.  Big Magic
8.  Prayer by Timothy Keller
9.  Switch On Your Brain
10.  A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller (I think it's time for a re-read)
11.  Yes Please by Amy Poehler
12.  Boundaries
13.  Bandersnatch
14.  Runaway Stories by Alice Munro
15.  On Writing by Stephen King (Another Re-read)
16.  In Defense of Food
17.  Omnivore's Dilemma
18. Writing Down the Bones
19.  Dear Sugar
20.  Grace for the Good Girl
21.  Primates of Park Avenue
22.  A Piece of Cake
23.  Let's All Be Brave
24.  You're Made for a God-Sized Dream
25.  Scribbling in the Sand
26.  The Circle Maker
27.  Whole Brain Child
28. 40 Days of Decrease
29.  Anything by Seth Godin
30.  Out of the Spin Cycle by JHat

So, I've already read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, which happens to be a little weird, but also seems to be working in my house.  The first part of the book asked me to decide what kind of lifestyle I'd like to lead.  So I scribbled down the words:

Motivated
Free
Christ-Centered
Happy
Fun
Active
Creative
Interesting
Safe
Peaceful and Calm
Organized
Authentic
Unhurried

And then I realized, I had essentially created a curriculum of sorts for the type of lifestyle I want.

I know it's totally a horrible picture, but basically, I can link most books with the lifestyle idea that I am hoping for! I'll let you know how it all turns out!

Do it.

You guys.

Something I just read got to me today for some reason, and I have to tell you about it too.

I'm reading Emily P. Freeman's book, A Million Little Ways.  Today, I read this part about a band that was asked about the secret to their success, and the secret was that they "keep chasing their craziest ideas."

For the past few years, I've had these crazy ideas that my body, my soul, my everything has me scared and paralyzed and has been telling me I can't, but for some reason, tonight, after reading these words, tonight... My body, my soul, my everything is screaming, "Why the hell not?!"

It is time, crazy idea.  It is time.

It is time for me, and it is time for you... maybe.  Maybe you've got a lot of fear to deal with yet, but dealing with the fear is a step in the direction of your crazy dreams.

Get out of your own way.  Look your fear in the face, say, "I'm afraid of failing, falling, making a fool of myself, not finishing again, being laughed at, winding up broke, friendless, hopeless, helpless, alone...but I'm doing this crazy shit anyway."

Because, seriously, this is what I'm saying tonight to my fear.  "Hey fear, I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of making an ass of myself.  I'm afraid of shaming my family, being laughed at, not finishing again, being told I'm not good enough... but I'm doing this crazy shit anyway.  Because, guess what.  I've failed.  I've made an ass of myself.  I've shamed my family.  I've been laughed at.  I've not finished a million things.  I've been told I'm not good enough... And I survived... but I quit.  I've never not quit.  So here's the deal, fear, I see you.  I feel you.  But you no longer own me.  You no longer get to control me.  I see how you think you're trying to protect me, but I get the final say here, and I say the crazy dream lives."

So, my crazy dream and I are sitting down together tonight and figuring out what it's going to take to become a reality, because every person I've seen have their crazy ideas become reality have done the same thing... they take a bunch of small steps towards that dream until they are holding it in their hands, thanking God for making it happen.

Goals Shmoals

So, last year around this time, I read a blog post from someone saying something like, "Set goals!  Reach them!  Succeed!"

Okay, maybe it was something infinitely more helpful than that, but regardless, I went through the process.  I set some SMART goals for the year.  I went through the following 7 categories (I think it's the Wheel of Life from Zig Ziglar or something like that).

Romantic Goals
Career Goals
Relationship Goals
Recreation/Play Goals
Health Goals
Home Goals
Financial Goals
Personal Growth Goals

The article I read said to pick 3 areas of the Wheel that I am unsatisfied with and set 3 goals for the year.

Well, of course, I set 3 goals for each category because every area of life can always be improved!  And looking back, I can't decide whether it was a good idea because at least I achieved some of them from most categories, or if it was a not-so-good thing because, like the rest of my life, my thoughts, goals, intentions are so wide-spread that I cannot truly focus on any of them, and cannot, therefore succeed...

Which brings me to the thought of success.  What did I really expect when I was setting these goals?  Did I really expect myself to write a brilliant blog each week, a funny but thoughtful tweet a day, stay within a modest budget, intentionally spend quality time with my kids, exercise 5 days a week, go on 50+ hikes, go on a monthly date, finish writing and get my first book, make enough money to pay for Christmas, a basement remodel, a bathroom remodel, two bedroom remodels, and season passes for skiing for a family of 5?  I have never in my life stuck to a schedule of any kind, what made me think I would now?

Here's what's different about last year, though.  The rest of my life, I would've looked at this list of goals and saw how many of them I didn't accomplish perfectly.  I would've been disappointed, angry with myself, defeated. I would've sworn off of goal-setting, reflecting, etc. until I read another book that told me how great of an idea it is to set goals...

But this is the way I am able to look at these goals now:  I made progress in the past year.  It took me 12 years, but I beat Lyme Disease.  I didn't go on 50 hikes, but I went on some, and I went on those hikes with my children while doing my very best to enjoy my kids and the outdoors and beautiful scenery.  (Yes, they whined and were annoying, but we went.  We made progress towards being a family who enjoys nature.)  I didn't write 52 blogs, but I wrote 23.  I wrote.  No, I didn't finish my book, but I made progress.  I didn't read 24 books, but I read 14.  I am 14 books smarter than I was last year.

And I am nicer to myself now than I was at this time last year.

I didn't perfectly accomplish each of my 21 goals from last year, but I made real, significant progress on 19 of 21 of them.

And I beat Lyme.  I am nice to myself.  I stayed within our budget.  I created opportunities for income.

My husband has taken to telling our kids, "Progress is better than perfection" when they are learning something new.  It annoys me, but it's true.  It annoys me when I try to tell myself that, but because I'm being nicer to myself now, I have to let myself annoy myself, right?

So, go forth, my friends.  Set your goals.  Work towards your dreams.  Steps in the right direction towards your dreams are exactly that:  Steps in the right direction towards your dreams.  These steps are so much better than standing still, my friends.  Progress is better than perfection.  Some of them will work out.  Some of you will work out.

Regardless, if we don't know where we are going, how in the world will we get there?

xoxo 

Best Books of 2016 According to Me, Based on the Ones I Actually Finished...

In reality, this is just the list of books I read last year.  I picked up/tried to read at least 3 times what is on this list, but if I don't want to devour the book in the first 10 pages, I give it back to the library, don't buy it, put it down...  My time is too precious to stick it out... unless... I hear several times from others that it is a worthwhile read once I get through the first 50 pages.  In that case, I will skip the first 50 pages and go back to read them once I'm into it.

Anyway, we'll start with what I read in the fiction realm:

Sarah Dessen.  I read only quick-reads by Sarah Dessen this year.  When I needed an escape-read that was quick and fun,  I read What Happened to Goodbye?, Along for the Ride, and Lock and Key. I like Sarah Dessen for feel-good reads.  They're cute.  They're fun.  They do the trick.  I will read more of her books for fun feel-good reads in the future.

We all know I'm more of a non-fiction girl, so here's the real list:

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl-- This was probably my least-favorite read of the year, though it was still an incredibly fascinating and wonderful book.  I honestly don't read a full book unless I fall in love.  For reals.  This one was just a challenging (in various ways) read.  Viktor Frankl is an amazing human being.  I still can't get over how much he endured.  For the 1% of you who have never heard of this book, it is the story of a Jewish psychologist who survived Auschwitz and other concentration camps in Nazi Germany during WWII.  My take away: We are capable of so much more than we believe possible.  We can endure more than we think we can, and having a creative, unique purpose in life is essential to happiness, persistence, and survival.

Everything You Ever Wanted by Jillian Lauren-- I don't remember whether it was my Aunt Kimmy  or Aunt Phyllis who always said, "There are a whole lotta ways to live a life."  And this is kind of what this book was for me.  Jillian Lauren's life is fascinating, different, unique... Her life is so opposite of mine, yet exactly the same.  Basically, she had dreams.  They came true, and they are more beautiful, difficult, challenging, and painful than she ever imagined.  I LOVE the way she tells her story, and I love the patience she learns to have with herself.

No More Dragons  by Jim Burgen-- This was written by my pastor.  He's great.  He's got his issues.  (Don't we all?)  But he is funny, on-point, and addresses the real stuff head-on.  I love the way that he tells is story authentically including his exploration of drugs, his family's struggle with bi-polar depression, and bad religion.

Quitter by Jon Acuff-- I wish I remembered more about this book, but I got it from the library, and now I don't remember much about it except that I liked it, and it was helpful.  (How's that for a book review?)

Peanut Butter and Naan by Jennifer Hillman-Magnuson-- I LOVED this book.  It was funny and interesting, and it took me on a journey to India that I most likely won't take in person.  Again, "There are a whole lotta ways to live a life," and this reminded me that we don't have to live in a safe little community with our 3 kids in Colorado to have a good life.  We could go live anywhere, and our kids would adjust... and so would we.

7 by Jen Hatmaker-- This is definitely a Rethink-the-way-you-do-life-book.  JHat and her husband eat just 7 foods for one month, wear just 7 articles of clothing the next... They remove 7 areas of excess from their lives in an experiment and learn important things.  My takeaway: We have too much crap.  We can live more beautifully and simply if we are intentional.

Ketchup is a Vegetable (and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves)by Robin O'Bryant-- This one is super funny and so true to my life.  This book came in the mail for me randomly from a favorite cousin-in-law, and I just adore her for introducing me to Robin O'Bryant.  If you're a mom, read this one!

Rising Strong by Brene Brown-- Brene Brown is the bomb diggity.  Everyone needs to read Daring Greatly and Rising Strong.  This woman knows her stuff, plus she's funny and a great storyteller.  My favorite takeaway is using the phrase, "The story I'm making up in my head is____" when in an argument or emotionally-charged situation can completely diffuse the situation and create proper communication.

Start by Jon Acuff-- This is my favorite Jon Acuff book.  I read this in the very first part of 2015, and it started my year off with a lesson in overcoming fear.  I didn't realize how much fear I had in my life, but this book helped me realize how to overcome it.  I am the if-I-can't-do-it-perfectly-the-first-time-I-won't-even-try type of person, and this book gave me a nudge towards becoming a I'll-screw-it-up-but-I'm-going-to-try-anyway person.  This is a great book for creatives, and those who are "stuck."

For the Love by Jen Hatmaker-- This is my favorite book of the year.  I'll just quote myself since I got to write a review that went into the first few pages of her book... squeee!!!
"Read this book, but not in public... unless you are okay with being the only one laughing out loud in a silent room or ugly crying at chapter 11 while other people pretend not to stare.  If you are okay with those things, then you should totally read this book in public.  Otherwise, I recommend good coffee, comfy jammies, and a locked door."

Scary Close by Donald Miller-- This is my other favorite book of the year.  Donald Miller has graciously invited us to come along on his spiritual journey for the last 15 years or so.  I have read all of the books he invited me into, and it has been such a fun ride.  I feel like this was an arrival of sorts for Don.  He grew up.  He got married.  He realized so many things about himself.  He helped me figure out why things are so hard and amazing at the same time.  He made me more brave.  He helped me be a better storyteller.  He's my favorite.  And this might be my favorite of my favorites of his.

And there you have it.   Those are the books I read in 2015.  I'll give you a rundown of what I think I'll be reading in 2016 soon!

xoxo

For the Love of Endings

For those of you just joining my Jen  For the Love Adventure,  today starts the weekend where I go to stay in a house with online only friends that I’ve never met in real life and go to Jen Hatmaker’s house to say Godknowswhat and embarrass myself. 

I am ending this For the Love Adventure in much the same way I began it—like Jesse Spano screaming, “I’m so excited!  I’m so excited!  I’m so scared!” 

When I first got on the FTL Launch Team Facebook page, I was totally overwhelmed and intimidated.  Do these girls know each other?  How did these girls already read this entire book?  Why is something #onthebeam or #offthebeam?  Maybe I shouldn’t have applied to be on this launch team!  I don’t get this!!!

Then someone shared a struggle.  A real struggle.  And the group responded with grace and kindness and prayer and me toos.  And someone told a joke.  The group responded with laughter and grace and kindness and prayer and me toos.  And we went on and on and on like that, laughing together, crying together, praying together, me-too-ing together, and in the midst of our crazy worlds, where we first shared only the love of the words in Jen’s books, we were suddenly sharing our lives.  And I thought, THIS.  I get THIS. 

And here I am now at Austin’s airport standing in front of Austin Java (which incidentally doesn’t sell coffee at this time of day?  #dontmakemegoallLoreleionyou) listening to a random guy play softly on his guitar and waiting excitedly to meet up with a new FTL friend whose flight arrives in a couple of hours.  We will then ride with other sort-of strangers to stay in a house with more sort-of strangers.  This is ALL still the excited part.  I can’t wait to make all of these new friends and hang out with all of these cool people who are full of grace and kindness and laughter. 

And here I am again, scared.  What if they don’t think I’m funny?  What if I look fat?  What if I swear too much and they go all mean Christian on me?  What if I cry and they give me judgmental advice?  What if when I get to talk to Jen I go fangirl or read-my-book girl or worse yet, am forgettable? 

But what I’m even more scared of is… what is going to happen to my 500 new best friends?  Will Stacey beat Lyme?  And when she does, will I know and get to celebrate with her?   Who will Erin Leigh Cox dubsmash for now?  What will happen to Andrea Trexler Conway now that she lives in New York?  Will Pamela Anne still sell me beautiful cuffs?  How will I know when Terri Gorton Fullerton is in Colorado and we could visit?  How is sweet Embo? Just how many copies of FTL has Danielle Brower signed now?  And who on earth will share their online dating tragedies with me now?!

For the Love built a community.  It gave us a reason to connect and laugh and breathe and say me too.  

I’m glad I’ve been a little part of it.  Now let’s party!  #Budaorbust 

TBT The Loss of Popsicles (Original 9/20/10)

There’s an unmistakable wind in the air tonight

Warm and full, but…

just cool enough to say,

“Summertime is ending.”

The wind speaks, and I object,
 “But I didn’t ride bikes or eat enough ice cream!”
“We barely even got to go… camping.”

But the wind calls to Autumn, leaving me behind
Like a little boy’s shoes
Sitting on the front steps of a summer cottage
 Waiting unwaveringly for summer’s return
Collecting the leaves and snow and sun
The shoes and summer seemingly forgotten
Because the boy’s father was quick to state, “Summer’s over.  Get in the car.”
So the boy got in the car,
His bare feet a silent protest
Streaked with dirt, propped up and peaking out the back window,
 searching for one last caress of the lake’s warm summer wind
Skinned knees pressed against his hopeless chocolate-covered face
While his shoes sat silently
Strings swaying, sorrowfully singing
Lamenting the loss
of popsicles.